The One Thing it Takes to Beat the Odds

The power of relationship

Do you ever wonder why some people seem to “make it” in life while others of similar backgrounds just don’t?  By “make it” I don’t necessarily mean that they become financially wealthy, win a huge commendation, or end up a super-star, although any of those things could have happened – I simply mean that they develop lives for themselves with which they are happy and that they feel a sense of fulfillment.  These people exude a positive energy that is magnetic to those around them.  You can find them anywhere, in all walks of life – a stark contrast to the discontented masses around them.

Some of these people have beat the odds.  Some of them have come from backgrounds that were financially poor, had families who struggled in multiple ways, and some were even horribly abused.  Why can such a person rise from a difficult background while another person in a similar situation grows to be damaged, bitter and toxic?  We could take the contrast even further; why can such a person grow to beat the odds while even a very priveledged person can grow to be damaged, bitter, and toxic?

During my time in graduate school, one of my professors, Fran Grossman, Ph.D., was interested in the subject of resiliency.   Dr. Grossman studied women with histories of sexual abuse and tried to determine why some women seemed to overcome their pasts while others did not.  Her results have remained in my memory ever since.

What Dr. Grossman found was that those women who had had even one relationship in their lives that was supportive and consistent were the ones who were able to be resilient.  This is amazing to me.  To have one person in your life who believes in you can make all the difference. This is the factor that can allow someone to beat the odds.

What does this mean for us in our lives?  Do you have a person who believes in you and lets you know it?  Do you play that role for others?  Of course, for many of us our parents played that role at least through childhood, but what about as we reach adulthood? Or what if our parents were too damaged themselves to give us that sort of love as we grew?

In my many years of doing psychotherapy and then coaching with clients I believe that the core function at play here has been to support people in this way: to be a person in their lives who really believes in them and lets them know it.  I also believe that that is the reason so many people who include a coach, therapist, or mentor in their lives beat the odds.  If they don’t have a person in their lives already who plays this role, they get the help they need.  Just as a professional athlete keeps a coach throughout their career, these people understand that such a relationship is the factor that makes the difference.